I recently got an anonymous comment from a woman that said the biggest challenge in her marriage was, “Not feeling in love. I love my husband, but I don’t feel in love. Shouldn’t I?”
To the woman who wrote that, this is for you. And for anyone else who can relate.
_Dear wife who is not in love with her husband,_
You are not alone. I have been there too.
I hear the guilt in your words, in your question.
Little girls grow up fantasizing about what marriage will be like. In the movies and books, we see images of romantic courting, of beautiful proposals and of stunning weddings.
We imagine a blissful happily ever after
On your wedding day you envision being “in love” for the rest of your life. You imagine that the mystery, the butterflies, the elation, the desire, the feeling of “falling” will never go away.
But here is the reality- All married couples have a natural ebb and flow of connection.
How do I know? I’ve been there!
There are times when my husband and I are extremely connected, where I get that sense of intense emotion and giddiness like I did in the early days.
But, there have also been long periods of time when I didn’t feel in love. When we were distant and disconnected and it felt like being “in love” was a memory of my past. In those times I worried about the future of our relationship.
I get it. There were many times where I questioned the same thing you did
I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel in love. I thought that feeling would last forever. But, the reality is, we all go through times of feeling this way.
Want to know why?
Life takes over. Priorities shift. The person who used to be number one on the list has moved down the list to fall somewhere below work, kids, homework, family, friends, finances, etc…
So many other things take priority over our marriages that over time, we may start to feel more like roommates than lovers.
To the wife who is not in love with her husband, I want to tell you 4 things
1. What you are feeling is normal. It is nothing to feel bad about. It’s a part of the natural cycle of marriage.
2. You can fall in love again with your husband. I know this for a fact.
3. Falling in love
again with your husband will be different than the first time you fell in love with him. When you first fall in love, love is feeling that’s out of your control, hence the term “falling.” But, the subsequent times that you fall in love with your spouse will be more intentional, more heatfelt and more thoughtful.
4. To fall in love again, you must put your marriage back up to the top of the list. You must love with intention and the feeling of being in love will show up again.
I love my husband. I have always loved him. But, a few years ago, I did not feel in love. We were struggling. We weren’t connected. I was questioning our happily ever after.
Want to know what made me fall in love again?
A direct intention to put my marriage first. A direct intention to create a better relationship.
Now, my husband and I intentionally create alone time. We intentionally take trips together. We are intentional in improving our communication. We are intentional in our touches throughout the day. We are intentional when showing appreciation. We are intentionally accountable in our actions.
Though I currently feel very much in love with my husband, I do understand that I won’t always feel this way. There will be times in our future where I will not feel “in love” and where things will feel stagnant and unexciting.
But now I understand that lack of feeling “in love” most often stems from a loss of connection. By refocusing on intentionally connecting, things will begin to get back on track.
To the woman who is not in love with her husband
Don’t worry. There’s no need to feel guilty. It is going to be OK. I can relate to how you feel. I have been there too.
Experiencing times where you don’t feel “in love” is totally normal, but don’t let the disconnect carry on too long. Extended periods of disconnect can be harmful to the overall happiness and longevity of your relationship.
Take charge of your marriage. Believe it or not, you have the power to choose to be in love.
You have the power to create the marriage that you desire
You still love your husband. That says a lot about your relationship.
With intention, you can feel “in love” again.
I have found that feeling over and over again. I believe you can too.
With much love and good wishes,
This article was originally published on Tammy’s blog, Married and Naked. It has been republished here with permission.