Imagine a conversation between a divorced mother and her 13-year-old daughter. The mother explains to her daughter that marriage is a trap and that “all men are pigs.” Now, imagine a married man with a group of young men telling them that a wife is like having a constant nagging headache. What does this message teach the younger generations? What the “adults” in these two situations are really saying is that they are far too immature and selfish to be in a healthy, stable relationship. Unfortunately, from this perspective, children assume that men are useless and that having or being a wife is too much work.
When I tell people that my wife and I never fight and that we actually like each other, I see two responses: shock or disbelief. Popular culture and the bitter attitude of people recovering from a failed marriage will try to convince you that a happy marriage is impossible. This is a lie calculated to keep you from experiencing the true lasting happiness that exists within a home where a husband and wife love each other and love their children. Here are a few ideas (for both before and after marriage) that will help you never have a fight with your spouse.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent
Picking a partner that you are compatible with is the key to having a great marriage. Before you make such a lasting commitment, ensure that you can fully embrace the fact that you will be together forever. When you marry someone, you also commit to their family. If you do not like your future spouse’s family, or they do not like you, why would you consider making that relationship permanent?
Marriage is not a service project
If the only reason you are about to tie the knot is because you feel that you can “help” your future spouse, run away. Marriage requires a fully committed man and woman, both who are mentally competent, to be successful. If your future spouse needs “fixing” you should rethink spending your life with this person.
You marry who you date
Hold in your mind the type of person that you want to marry. Once you have that image in mind, date people who fall into that category. Beware of the dating shadow monster. This monster comes to life during the early phase of the dating process. He casts a shadow over your eyes and pumps you full of emotions that prevent you from seeing things clearly.
To defeat the shadow monster, you must lay aside all of your blinding passions and really get to know who you are dating. Getting to know a potential spouse does not happen while watching movies or playing video games. Spend time talking about issues that are important to you when your head is not in the clouds.
It’s never too late to have a good marriage
If you feel like your marriage is hopeless, try a few experiments before considering a divorce. A wise man once taught me that if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got. This means that you have to make some changes in the way you operate in your marriage. Try reading a relationship book together. Go to a marriage seminar, often times churches will have these for free. The point is, do something to try and fix your marriage. A marriage is like a car, if you neglect regular maintenance, it is going to break down.
Communication leads to understanding
The Apocryphateaches a valuable lesson about communication, “The stroke of the whip maketh marks in the flesh: but the stroke of the tongue breaketh the bones” (Ecclesiastics 28:17). Do not use words as weapons. As you learn how to communicate with one another, you will be less inclined to fight. Being misunderstood can lead to feelings of frustration and anger. Instead of responding with a brilliant comeback, ask clarifying questions after your spouse shares something with you. “I think what you are saying is…” or “If I understand you right, you are saying…” this will give your spouse a chance to simplify what he or she is talking about. This practice will save you from getting upset over some assumed meaning behind your spouse’s words.
Humility is the key
The Bible teaches that “only by pride cometh contention…” (Proverbs 13:10). This means that when there is fighting in your relationship it is because someone is being prideful. Assume you are the one that needs to be humble and practice being agreeable. One way to practice meshing with your partner is to never say no to each other. Remember, if you know everything, you can learn nothing.