7 mental blocks that are tearing your relationship apart

These thoughts about your partner are actually hurting them.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemy when it comes to building a relationship. We get in our head and think we know what is happening or what’s not happening. We wish we could move forward or the relationship would blossom by itself, but it seems like our mind just won’t let us.

What we are thinking often has detrimental effects on how we interact with our partner. Some mindsets are especially harmful to relationships.

Here are the seven mental blocks that destroy relationships.

1. The all or nothing trap

“If he can’t do this one thing then I’m out.” We make one of their decisions dictate how we feel about them. We put too much focus on that one decision. Instead of allowing them to make mistakes and grow with us, we expect them to be perfect. We believe if our partner isn’t perfect then they don’t have anything to contribute.

We often fall into the all or nothing trap when we are upset. Instead of making our sweetheart choose our way or the highway, take a breath and allow your partner to make mistakes. Being in a relationship is about working together and growing together.

Get out of the all or nothing mindset and focus on a growth mindset.

2. Could have, should have

Not being understanding about their time is possibly one of the biggest mental blocks we can find ourselves in. We assign each other to-do tasks and if the other person forgets or wants to do something else, we have little empathy for them. We think if they have time, they should have done what you asked them, right?

The blessing of being with another human being is they are human. Sometimes they just forget.

Writer Catherine Huang says, “Let your guard down and refrain from pretending like you are okay with something when it actually bothers you. But more importantly, let your partner in on those feelings.”

If they made a mistake, share your feelings with your partner instead of silently holding it against them. This is the best way to understand their side because you open up yourself to a conversation about what happened instead of an argument.

3. The blame game

According to Psychology Today, the blame game is when you unfairly and irrationally blame your partner.

Making everything their fault means you are not accepting any of your responsibility in the matter. You are both adults trying to make life work together. You both are learning, which means you both are making mistakes. Instead of always blaming each other, focus on remedying the situation and finding solutions together.

4. Jumping to conclusions

Jumping to conclusions destroys the relationship because you never give your sweetheart a chance to explain their choices. Your partner is a smart person who makes rational decisions. When you jump to conclusions, you make it seem like you think they are dumb, and it makes them feel like they can’t trust you.

5. Saying “always”

This is very limiting and unfair.

“We default to criticism as a way to punish our partner and try to get them to act differently in the future,” said Greg Cason, a psychologist based in Los Angeles. “It’s better to zero in on a single behavior and express your feelings about it.”

Generalizing all of their behavior makes them feel limited and defensive. If you want to resolve the conflict, focus on expressing why one behavior bothers you and how you hope to resolve it. Be sure to express your love, because behaviors do not change if the partner does not feel loved.

6. Wish you were like _

Comparing them to someone else is one of the meanest things you could do in a relationship. You have to make a choice: Do you want to be with your sweetheart or the person you are comparing them to? If you want to be with your sweetheart, you need to accept them where they are at.

It’s OK to make goals together, but never when the goals are simply to be like someone else.

7. Thinking they don’t love you any more

You can’t think that unless they say it. Huang says, “…constantly asking them whether or not they love you anymore can stir up a lot of conflict based on insecurity.”

We all feel insecure sometimes, but if you are constantly needing reassurance, there isn’t a lot of room for other parts of your relationship to grow. Trust them and see what you two can build together with that trust.

Instead of building up situations in your brain, get out and talk to your spouse! Let him or her know what you are thinking and how you’ve been feeling. Then listen! It’s important you give them an opportunity to express their reasoning. You can build a beautiful life together if you get out of your head and work on expressing your love.

Christa Cutler

Christa is a part time photographer, part time writer and full time lover of life. She loves eating chocolate chip cookies and singing (but not at the same time). She has her degree in political science.