For centuries, men have been perplexed and dismayed by the fairer sex. If only men could read women’s minds. It would save us all a lot of trouble. This is not likely to become a reality any time soon. Let’s make the world a better and more peaceful place by never having to deal with the reprecussions of asking or answering any of these horrific questions ever again. To make everyone’s lives a little easier, here is a peek into a woman’s complicated psyche.
1. Do you want dessert?
When a man is dining with a woman, whether she is his wife, his sister, his mother or the girl of his dreams, he should order dessert. Ask the gal which dessert looks best, then order that one and ask for two spoons. Hand her a spoon. If she doesn’t want any, she won’t eat any. Chances are she wants some. Don’t scarf it all down before she has a chance to taste it. Eat it slowly. Give her many chances to take as many small and polite and heavenly bites as she would like. She will love you forever. You’re welcome.
2. Have you lost weight?
Asking this questions implies the woman had weight to lose which is never going to go well. Plus, answering this question is unbelievably uncomfortable for most women. How is she supposed to respond? “Why, yes, I’m not as fat as I used to be. Thanks for noticing.” Awkward! A much better thing to say is, “Wow! You look great!” or “You are glowing!” or “You look more gorgeous than ever before!”
3. Do you have PMS?
Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn’t. Women are emotional creatures and, for many, premenstrual emotions are a very real thing. If a woman seems overly sensitive or irrational, give her a hug. Tell her how lovely she is. Order her some dessert and hand her a spoon with a wink and a smile. Do NOT ask this question. It will only make things worse.
4. Can I kiss you?
If a woman wants to kiss a man, she will most likely let him know with long glances, close proximity, maybe even some leaning in and flirty touches to his arm or knee. If a woman doesn’t want to kiss a man, she will often lean away, turn her mouth unnaturally away from his mouth or cross her arms and legs in a defensive posture. In short, watch for the cues. Asking this question is a romance killer. If a woman is leaning in so close it’s getting weird not to kiss her, grab her and give her a good old-fashioned smooch. If the vibe she’s giving off is confusing, lean in a little and let her make up the difference. If she’s acting like she’d rather roll in a den of spiders than get close enough to touch lips, leave her alone and find another more affable female to pucker up to.
5. Are you pregnant?
Guys, never ask this. Ever. If a woman is pregnant, she will be sure to let you know the second she is ready. If she is not pregnant and you ask her if she is, you are in danger of the worst glare you have ever seen or maybe even dealing with tears. If a woman looks pregnant, revert back to the same quotes mentioned above to be used in place of the dreaded “Have you lost weight?” faux pas. Tell her she’s gorgeous, glowing, more amazing than ever and go on with your day feeling proud about the massive bullet you undoubtedly just dodged.