Parenthood may not come with a cape, but it should come with these superpowers.
Glamorously named, this superpower gives you the ability to instantly change any location into a family-friendly restroom (read: clean, quiet, and private). No need to dash through shopping malls to find somewhere to change a diaper or prevent an accident with this power. (As a bonus, the toilet paper always auto-replaces itself, too).
Stop. It’s hammer time
The ability to bust out this classic would be a cool superpower if embarrassing your kids was your goal, but the power to actually stop time would also be mega convenient. Think about it- any shower could be as long as you want without needing to call a sitter. All you would need to do is press pause on life and get to that book you were reading or have longer than 15 seconds to yourself. Plus, you could instantly break out some hammer pants as a punishment to unruly teenagers.
You might sound like a terrible infomercial, but this superpower is truly priceless to anyone with toddlers. Your days of frantically searching “how to get paint out of (insert any conceivable item)” are over with this ability up your sleeve. You will finally be able to wear that silk blouse on finger painting day without a second thought.
The spectacular guilt-be-gone
It can be nearly impossible to tell who actually ate the last of the cookies, but not with this ability. Instantly know who the guilty party is in a flash when you have this specific superpower. Your children will never be able to get away with just saying they brushed their teeth again.
BAM! Mind control
Yes, this superpower is one many people would love to have, but only parents would truly appreciate. Imagine the possibilities if your children did what you told them to do the first time? Move over supersonic speed; mind control would be the way to go.
You can helicopter parent from miles away with this superpower. Your supersonic supervision senses will tingle the minute before you child is about to cut the whiskers off the cat or decide to paint the walls with diaper rash cream. Pair this ability with mind control, and you would be an unstoppable force.
The amazing insta-sleeper
Superman’s strength has nothing on this superpower. Instantly put your child to bed and have them fall asleep at the snap of your fingers. No more struggles over pajamas, drinks of water, or additional bedtime stories. Your evenings are now the most relaxed and straightforward part of your day, thanks to this ability.
POW! The sneaky swapper
Trick your child into eating their vegetables and loving it. This ability allows the holder to swap out food items without the third party’s complaints. Swap out Oreos for celery without a second glance. Serve up broccoli and carrots instead of birthday cake with cheers of delight. Think of the possibilities.
The incredible noise blocker
Selectively choose to completely block out fake crying, sibling squabbles, or any other loud noise with this ability. Of course you would be able to hone in on important shouts and complaints, but the general whining in a long car ride would sound like complete silence with this superpower.
ZAP! Life lesson learner
There really are somethings your children have to learn for themselves, but not with this super power. The beholder of this ability would be able to teach a lesson without the consequence. For example, your children will learn not to play baseball in the house without the fuss of breaking a lamp, or how not sharing results in quite the tantrum.
While being able to fly would be pretty neat, I’ve got a hunch these parent superpowers would be a lot more convenient for anyone who has a couple adorable little villains running around.